The single life.

As I lay here at 2am unable to sleep, I have come to the realization that I am no longer afraid of the idea of never finding my soul mate, or having my own family. I am at peace with the idea. And I am rather fond of cats.

At the end of the day, you are only as alone as you force yourself to be.

xx

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Feast or a famine.

Everything seems to be happening at once in my usually stale life! It is enough to make any girls head spin!

After what seemed like months and months of ‘it’s ages away!’ all of a sudden October is here! Which means in two weeks I leave the family nest to live in Sale for four weeks, AND I find out if any hospital is willing to employ me next year. Major EEPS!

I am ridiculously excited about Sale. I have travelled before, but have never had to worry about my next meal or even where I am going to sleep at night. While I do have accommodation sorted for Sale, I do not know how to cook to save myself, so this is going to be a rapid and steep learning curve for missy moo here! I am quite determined to cook my own dinner every night, no takeaway, no microwave meals. I am 23 years old, it is time I learn to fend for myself. Obviously I will have to get to know a washing machine as well. I have used plenty of laundromats so hopefully this one shouldn’t be tooooo bad! It is all good preparation for next year, when I intend to permanently move out.

In the meantime though, now that October has hit, I feel like I have a million things I need to do in the next two weeks, and a million things distracting me from doing any of them! I seem to spend my days sitting around doing nothing but play a very stupid but very addictive game on my iPhone, then talking to people on Facebook way past my bedtime, and therefore getting up late and repeating the cycle! Argh! I have also had a recent social life explosion, and seem to be going out sooo much (to other people’s standards it is probably pretty average!). At least I am dragging myself of to the gym, so that is something, although todays effort was a bit lacklustre due to severe sciatic evilness.

I still have to finish my last assignment, organise all the stuff I need to take with me, not to mention complete a never-ending to do list of stuff, including sending off my application for registration as a nurse. MAJOR ARGHHHHHH!

I suppose I should stop complaining about it and just get on with it, and also remember, that it is not going to get any easier next year when I add full-time work to my schedule! Woo!

Over and out, hombres!

xx

Facebook, why you no interesting?

I am dying of boredom tonight.

I really should get my assignment finished, but I just can’t seem to find the motivation. I am more interested in trying to decide whether or not to get my hair trimmed when I get my fringe cut tomorrow, what to wear to the gig I am going to tomorrow night, and whether or not it is an acceptable time to go to bed even though I am not really tired. Procrastination without purpose, possibly the worst kind out there. Usually I do something like clean out my room or a thousand errands or change my sheets when I am procrastinating; stuff that has a practical purpose and conclusion. But not tonight. Just blah tonight.

Facebook is boring too. Why are you all boring? Become interesting, dammit, and entertain me!

I was going to post a picture of my current general surrondings for your amusement but my phone won’t connect to my computers bluetooth. HGOUEHAGOU. The universe is mocking me tonight.

xx

Dancing 101.

At the end of this year I will finish my studies and will officially be a nurse. Scary thought, considering in the simulation activity today at uni I not only killed my patient by shocking him with the defib without knowing whether or not he was in a shockable rhythm, I also hypothetically electrocuted my two fellow nurses. Awesome. I am going to be a great nurse.

Anyway, that is so boring. What is more exciting is that some cool students decided to organise a nursing ball! Woo! We will be the first graduating group of the new course (aka new CRAP course) so it is well worth celebrating! We made it! Huzzah! We are amazing!

 

Swoooon...

 

However, it did make me think of something.

So far in my short and uneventful life, I have been to several ‘formal’ events. Four cousins have gotten married. I have been guests at two debutante balls. I have been to three high school formals. And I have never had a date for any of them. (Well unless you count the year 10 formal at our brother school, my friend PAID [oh the shame!] her friend to take me because she really wanted me to come too, everyone else was. How embarrassing!). So anyway, besides that particular event, in which a guy I didn’t really know took me to a formal just so I could dance with my girlfriends, I have never had the opportunity to take a plus one.

I know that no woman should let herself be defined by the fact she has a man in her life, and for the record, I am very happy being single, and would probably be just as equally happy in a relationship: it doesn’t matter to me one way or the other. But I do feel a bit forlorn at the fact that once again I will be riding solo. I know half of my extended family think I am a wee bit weird because I never have a boyfriend. Not that I care about their opinion, I barely see them anyway. But I sometimes wonder, am I weird? -shrugs-

Oh well. I will just drink all the free grog, get absolutely shiggered, and have an awesome time!

xx

 

Cheesecake.

My dietary exploits are challenged by the continuing presence of cheesecake in this world.

 

Nom nom nom!

 

Tomorrow is weigh-in day, and this week has been a shocker. I had originally hoped to lose 800 grams this week to bring me down to my first goal loss of 5kg, but after this weekends terrible efforts it is not looking good.

I did have a good week exercise wise. Four days at the gym last week with various amounts of weights, and a consistent 30 minutes of torturous cardio on the cross trainer. Today I even managed to slog it out in the stuffy confines of the women’s gym in 29 degree heat without succumbing to the temptation to turn the fan on to cool down. I was drenched and sore and it felt amazing.

However, over the weekend I have a massive blow out diet wise. It started with not one, but THREE slices of pavlova on Saturday. I will blame my Aunt Zoe, she brought the damn thing to our house. She did not hold me down and force me to eat it, but she may as well have. Then last night I had fish and chips for dinner, nom nom. And tonight I went out for dinner with the lovely Clarissa and had a gigantic serve of calamari, chips and salad, washed down with coke, followed by a slice of chocolate cheesecake (to share!) and hot chocolate. Unghhhhh. So much fried-ness and sugar-ness.

Definitely not good for my waistline. All I can hope for is a maintenance for this week, but even the possibility of that is looking slim. Ahh slim. Something my arse will never be at this rate.

Still, there is always the week ahead!

Meanwhile, I will dream of more cheesecake.

xx

That old black dog.

This old black dog is hounding me

It waits ’round the corner and hides in the trees

I feel the chill of something blown in on a breeze…

I love Andy Bull‘s song ‘Dog’. It uses the image of a sneaky black dog to describe depression, something I can completely identify with. It has been 10 years since I became acquainted with the dirty D word, so I feel it is kind of fitting to have a little ramble on about it, especially because at the moment, I feel pretty crappy.

When I was in my first year of highschool, my dad was diagnosed with cancer. And not just a Joe Blow cancer (not that any cancers are Joe Blow, really), but a highly aggressive form of non-Hodgkins lymphoma that had spread from his bowel to his spine, and that they could only identify when they sent pathology samples to America, because no doctors in Australia had ever seen it before. Dad was given 3 months to live in the March of 2001, he told them to hit him with the hardest treatment they had, and he was in remission in December of the same year. We Egan’s don’t do anything by halves, that’s for sure. We have always had a tendency to be dramatic.

So as you can imagine, for a 12/13-year-old, such a fucking shithouse journey is not the easiest thing to go through. Not only was I starting a new school, not only had I left my friends behind, not only did I feel like a social outcast, but I also had to watch my dad wither away to a skeleton, vomit and cry, lose his hair, get so close to the brink so many times, and somehow also adjust to the demands of secondary education. I snapped. I bullied other students, I didn’t do my work, I failed at least one class, and I spent a good portion of the year on the school counsellors couch. It was a foggy mess of a year, but somewhere in about October as I sat on Vivian’s couch and we looked at each other, the realisation came that I didn’t need to be there anymore. I had made it through to the other side, and probably gained a helluva lot of maturity and perspective along the way. The universe dishes out shit for a reason, so that year wasn’t for nothing.

So I came out of 2001 with a fresh start, applied myself to my studies, and started to enjoy my life at highschool. I thought feelings such as the ones I experienced in 2001, the despair, the loneliness, the apathy, the mind crushing numbness, I thought they were behind me for good. Now I know better. I think once you have depression, it always lurks there in the recesses of your mind. The only way I can describe this is to compare it to fat. When you put on weight, your body generates new fat cells. When you lose weight, the fat cells empty of the fat, but the outer casing of the cell remains. This is why it is so easy to put on weight again. Only liposuction can get rid of that outer casing. I feel it is the same as depression. I feel I now have depression cells. I may spend 98% of the rest of my life happy, but every now and then, those depression cells will fill with the blackness and despair and I will have to crawl my way out again.

And the worst part is trying to explain it to you

And the worst part is knowing there’s nothing to do

Explaining depression to other people, friends and family alike, is quite difficult. In fact, with my family, the subject is not one that has been broached at all, although I am sure my mother at the very least has been aware of it over the years, particularly during my latter high school career. I went through a particularly rough stage when I was about 16 that involved spending endless days sitting listlessly in my bedroom doing absolutely nothing, a brief foray into self harm (I still have the stupid scars on my wrist, including, very faintly now, the word DIE), and at least one intentional suicide attempt. In a way it was almost an unfortunate time to be a teenager suffering depression, in the early 2000’s, as the rise of Emo’s was huge, and so I think a lot of teenagers were not taken seriously. You weren’t depressed, you were emo. Like a gigantic wholesale sweeping under the rug of a problem that society didn’t really want to deal with, and still doesn’t. But back to the point. Aside from realising that I was a gigantic sack of malcontent sitting on my bed, I don’t think my parents clued onto too much during that period. My friends were a little more cluey, and expended a lot of energy forcing me out of the house on numerous occasions. Bless their hearts. That is what true friendship is all about, people!

In 2007, after I had graduated from highschool, I got a tattoo on my lower back, the obligatory tramp stamp. It is an excerpt from a song by My Chemical Romance, who to this day are still my favourite band. The song is called ‘The Sharpest Lives’ and the quote in question goes like this: ‘If it looks like I’m laughing, I’m really just asking to leave.’ Here is a picture of the tattoo:

Please excuse many things, including my butt crack, copious amounts of fat, and the general shitness of the photo. It is super hard to take a photo of your own back. To me, this quote typifies how depression feels to at least me. It screams ‘See this fucking smile, this laughter? It is a LIE! Don’t believe it! I am not really happy, I am just pretending because I don’t know how to tell you how I feel, I am afraid you won’t understand, and I fear your rejection!’ All very dramatic and what not, but that is how it feels to me. Which is probably why I identify with ‘Dog’ so much as well, it is like exactly what I would tell someone if they asked me how it feels to be depressed. I would just send them a link to Andy’s MySpace page and leave it at that.

I try to outsmart him but somehow he knows

Wherever I am, that fucking dog goes

I’ll kill him the next time I swear I won’t fail

I’ll kick in his ribs and rip off his tail

I have personally given up on the idea of ‘killing’ my depression. I have accepted it as a part of me, that will always be one of the facets of my personality. I recognize the signs of when it is creeping back in, and I know what to do to send it slinking off with its tail between its legs. I am proud to say I have never taken medication for my depression. Having said that, I don’t think less of people who do have to take medication for whatever type of mental illness they suffer. Every journey and every person is individual, and you have to do what you have to do to get to the other side without losing it altogether. I guess I never went on medication because as a teenager I relied on my mother to take care of my healthcare, and there was no way I was going to admit to her I needed that sort of help. So by the time I graduated highschool and took over my own healthcare, I had realised that I could beat it off on my own. So that is what I have continued to do, with the bout that caught me after I dropped out of uni and worked full-time, and then last years horrible blur. I will just continue to inflict enough injuries to my black dog to get him to go back into whatever cave he hides in, and then enjoy my life until he cames out again for another round in the boxing rink.

Last year was particularly nasty. I spent the whole year in a funk. I hated living at home, I was fighting with my mum a lot, I couldn’t be bothered with my course, and I just generally didn’t want to play. I was over my friends (sorry guys! I do love you!), and had a brief ‘relationship’ that in hindsight was a stupid stupid idea. I was messed up and in no fit state to date anyone, and I guess used the whole thing as some sort of emotional escape. Mind you, the whole thing falling apart did rouse me out of my apathy a bit, and I got my indignant rage on and felt some good healthy hatred. In about September an opportunity came up to do an exchange to Mexico over the summer for my degree, so I jumped at it. I needed to escape, and I was so glad I did.

Mexico taught me many things. It taught me how to make friends even though it is terrifying. It taught me a degree of independence. It taught me I couldn’t be petulant with people who haven’t known me for a long time (Sorry, Kate!). It taught me that friendship can transcend state and country borders and that you don’t have to see people or even talk to them on the phone to think of them often and fondly (I miss you Ash!). It also brought to my attention a few home truths about myself. Like the fact that the Year of the Fog had manifested some pretty poor habits. Looking at photos of myself in Mexico and LA, I realise how much weight I put on in 2010. My depression and my eating habits are intrinsically linked. I get depressed, I eat. I then get depressed because I ate. Then because I am depressed because I ate, I then eat more. It is a stupid vicious circle that allows me attach all sorts of silly emotional messages and meanings to food. It also allowed me to stack on 10 kilos and realise how close I was to the dreaded triple number on the scale. When I got back from Mexico and saw how close I was to hitting 100kg I knew it was time to stop letting my emotions dictate my eating habits. It was also time to stop putting off my goals to not be a fatty any longer. So I have embarked on a very slow health and fitness journey (A big shout out to Luka, Ann and Victtoria for spurring me on!), and have so far lost almost 5 kilos. I have realised what an awesome part exercise can play in controlling my depression as well. I feel amazing when I exercise, and depressed when I don’t. Pretty simple really.

Anyway, that was a whole lot of ramble, but I guess I almost felt it was time to come clean. Like this weight loss mission, this fitness obsession, the purge of my body, can only work if I purge my mind also, and be honest about how I feel and how it affects me. I don’t know, but maybe it will also strike a chord with other people who feel the same way, and give them a warm fuzzy feeling that they are not alone. And so we shouldn’t be. It is time the stigma of mental illness gets destroyed once and for all, so that people can be honest about their problems and don’t feel like lesser people because they suffer something they never asked for.

I will leave you with Andy Bull’s song, purely because it is awesome, and it was the fact that I felt like listening to it randomly this morning that spurred the writing of this entire post.

And the worst part is thinking it’s something it’s not

Yeah the worst part is thinking it might never stop

Oh if I can pull myself together I’ll try

Oh but I can’t explain the tear that sits in my eye

If I can pull myself together I’ll try

Oh if I can’t pull myself together I’ll die

xx

Burn, baby, burn!

Just a quickie today.

Did a smattering of floor work and weights at the gym today with my favourite asian, Ann, and man oh man am I feeling it already. Probably because it is the second day in a row I have done quite a lot of ab related exercises, but still, phwoar!

My shoulders, arms and stomach are suffering that delicious post exercise burn that screams ‘fuck I’m sore, but fuck I’m awesome!’ Loving it. An excellent incentive to get back in there tomorrow and do it all over again.

I am determined to weight 70kg by the very latest, end of 2012. I have been a fatty for far too long! One day I will post (full clothed, I promise!) so called ‘before pics’ of me when I was the fattiest I have been. Nothing like holidaying to force you to get in a whole lot of full body shots! Usually all my photos are of my face!

Anyway, I better go to bed and stop rambling about nothing in particular. Mum is dragging me to the shops tomorrow to buy me a birthday present. All of a sudden because I am older it is like I get to pick what I want for my birthday. I don’t want anything, except maybe the suprise of opening something and not knowing what is going to be inside. How ungrateful I must sound! But I guess it is just a little bit of mourning for another little bit of innocence and childhood lost.

I shall leave you with my favourite exercise motivation ever.

xx

Decisions.

I was snooping around on The Daily Post contemplating whether or not to participate in post of the day/week, when yesterdays topic caught my eye:

‘How do you decide how to decide?’

 

Unggggg

 

I think this is a ridiculously valid question for today’s society, given the high levels of choice we are presented with on a day-to-day basis. We live in a highly consumeristic society. You have to choose what fillings go in your sandwich; which colour out of about 100 you want that pair of jeans in, after you have decided what cut you prefer; you can choose to change doctors/dentists/degrees/homes/cars/cities in a blink of an eye. Everything is readily available, and we thrive on the joy of instant gratification. But has this actually helped or hindered our decision-making process?

Sarah Wilson wrote this interesting little piece for the Sunday Life supplement magazine that comes with the Sunday Age in Melbourne, and also posted it on her blog. It goes into a little bit of detail about how as a society we are suffering decision fatigue, and are unnecessarily burdening our children with decisions they are not really capable of understanding. I personally don’t remember being asked as a child what I wanted for lunch at school, I just ate whatever was put in my lunchbox, then went and played, whereas I have seen younger cousins being quizzed at every possible moment on what they would like to do. They want to roll in the mud, that’s what.

 

I just want bread, fuckin'!

 

The major problem with decision fatigue is because we can no longer be bothered making new choices, we just stick to the default ones, which may not be in our best interests. Can’t decide between having the caesar salad with or without chicken? Oh fuck it, I will just get a parma instead. The wardrobe is so bursting full of clothing that it takes you at least half an hour to decide what to wear, and when you eventually clean it out you find clothes you thought you sent to the op shop years ago? Get rid of most of it.

Sarah details three ways you can make decision-making in your life easier, and thereby reduce your chance of decision fatigue:

  1. Set up your life to make less decisions.
  2. Do whatever grabs you.
  3. Spend an hour making choices.

By simplifying your life in such a way that leaves you with a tolerable amount of choices (everyone will be different on what is tolerable), you will be less likely to make default choices. Sarah uses the example of how she is currently living out of a suitcase and therefore rotates between three outfits. One dirty, one clean, one being worn. Simple. That wouldn’t work for me unless I was travelling, but I can use her analogy to take a good hard look at my wardrobe. I take FOREVER to decide what to wear every day, simply because I have soooo many clothes. It is completely unneccessary, as I wear the same ones over and over. While I am not quite ready to tackle the wardrobe, I have been cleaning out my space and preparing in general for life as a full-time worker next year, by de-cluttering and thereby limiting my choice of distractions.

Sarah also promotes the idea of doing tasks which appeal to you the most. Instead of sitting there with your to-do-list ho humming over what should have priority, just do all the things first that most appeal to you, or that won’t seem like a chore. This idea may not appeal to some people as it means you could be leaving the most onerous task to last, but it also means that you won’t have any excuses because it is the only thing you have left to do…so just get on with it!

Lastly, Sarah advocates the idea of just sitting down, and getting a whole lot of stuff over and done with in a short space of time. Things like emails, bills, letters, and all those other little annoying things that require our attention and a decision on. Instead of deliberating over them and making a mountain out of a molehill, just make snap decisions, get it over and done with, and move on with life.

By reducing the stress decisions cause in your life, not only are you getting the decision-making over and done with, you are also leaving yourself a lot of free time to do whatever the hell you want with!

 

Chill, like this super awesome sloth.

 

So in my maiden voyage into the art of quick and effective decision-making I made a snap decision (well after about a week) to move out next year. My friend Creepy Krystal had already asked me a few times to be her roommate but I had never really taken the idea too seriously. I always made excuses to myself about saving money, living close to the hospital I want to work at, being able to travel, being reluctant to leave my parents and brother and the very unique family life we live. However. I will be 23 next year. My parents have supported me through five years of tertiary education. They have paid for all my food, the majority of my bills, and for all my living expenses in this last year that I have been unemployed. We are also starting to get cabin fever. I am fighting more with my mum, becoming more intolerant of some of my brothers usually cute but often annoying mannerisms and quirks. Dad is probably the only person I stay constant with, he tends to be like a leveler between us all. The decision to move out also ties in, believe it or not, with my desire to lose weight. My mother is fiercely protective of her kitchen, and as yet I have not had the opportunity (or one could say the permission!) to learn how to cook. As a result I eat my mothers, while excellent, delicious and nutritious, cooking, I also eat her ridiculously oversized portions that are often laden with carb dense foods. I feel moving out with give me the freedom to cook what I want and change to a clean eating lifestyle. But most of all? It is just time. Time for me to become a real adult, to become independent, to make my own home. I can’t wait. 🙂

 

A wee cottage...such a shame I live in the city!

 

Hopefully I will make many more good decisions to come. Like finishing my last assignment, which I decide to do right now!

xx

She lives!

I have been terribly slack over the last week. And I am not only referring to my dismal blogging efforts.

Not only have I been ridiculously lazy, but it has occured due to a massive lack of motivation to do anything. I ended up in one of my apathetic funks and couldn’t get out of it. All my hard goal setting was destroyed, and I only went to the gym once last week.

But this week it all changes.

Today I got up (rather late) and after waking up a bit and showering, weighed myself and took all my measurements. Interestingly, despite my pure lack of healthy eating, my complete aversion to the gym, and a heavy drinking session on sunday, I am down to my lowest weight so far…only 800 grams off my first milestone of 5 kg lost! My measurements were also pleasantly surprising, with my bust, arms, hips and waist remaining constant. My trouble areas appear to be my thighs and calves, which gained around 1/2 cm each. Need to do some serious work there.

So I dragged myself off to the gym with my Slutticus, and we sweated up a storm on the cross trainer and bemoaned how unfit we had become from not going to the gym much the weeks before. We then had all the intentions of doing weights but met the awesome friend who got us into the gym in the first place and ended up chatting before realising how late it was and skipping off home for dinner.

I feel that I have broken the barrier and should hopefully stay on track again. The good gains I have made are too good to lose, and it is motivating seeing it written down on paper (I have an exercise book with weights exercises and my weekly measurements in it). I hope to get down to -15kg mark by the end of the year, then I can work on the last -10kg after that. A big goal for a big girl!

I can’t wait!

xx

Phew!

Hi lovelies,

I have been a slack little bastard with this thing over the last week. Truth is though, life dealt me up a hectic week! Doesn’t happen very often in my one-subject, no-employment existence, but this last week was a killer!

Over the weekend my social life got a major boost, with a lunch date with my fellow bum friends (god knows how we afford our lifestyle seeing as 2 out of 8 lunch attendees are currently out of work!), a playdate with a pair of delightful bunnies, and a sunday sesh at the pub! Whoa! What a weekend!

And then on monday and today, I had interviews at two different hospitals. Both went spectacularly well, which puts me in a conundrum as to how to reorder my preferences for the nursing computer match that determines the hospital I get my grad year at. The hospital I had set my heart on working at I didn’t do very well at the interview. So I have a large thinking cap to put on for a while.

Meanwhile, I just finished my final nursing calculations test for this course…WOOHOO! Which means I have 2 assessments to go for this degree! HUZZAH! Oh yes, the excitement is becoming tangible.

What didn’t go so well this week was my goals for habit formation. Interestingly, I didn’t fail at what I thought I would fail at. To recap, my goals for the week (and for the following two) were:

  1. Get up at or before 8 am everyday.
  2. Eat breakfast everyday.
  3. Drink at least a liter of water everyday.

Now I bet you are thinking, she failed at the early mornings, right? Well wrong! I managed to get up, or at least wake up and lay around in my bed, at 8 am every morning (I even got up at 6 am on monday!). As a result, I ate breakfast every day  as well, which I am sure is helping my metabolism, I am snacking nowhere near as much. It was the water that let me down. I didn’t end up going and buying a bottle like I promised myself, and what with the hecticness of job interviews and socialising, my water intake suffered. So that is something to work on this week again.

And speaking of this week, it is time to implement 3 new goals to make into habits! Wowee! I am so exciting! Here they are:

  1. Eat lunch everyday.
  2. Stop drinking soft drink.
  3. Do weights at least 5 days a week.

To keep my metabolism going with the breakfast eating bonanza, it is time I concentrate on the next most important meal of the day: lunch. I virtually never eat lunch, and if I do, it is something delicious like cheese and salami toasties, which, although amazing, are crippling to ones waistline. So I need to really work on eating healthy lunches and eating them regularly to keep my body in check.

Soft drink. Ahh my liquid gold. I drink at least a can of soft drink at dinner time EVERY NIGHT. I love the bubbles. Ahh. Bubbles bubbles bubbles. But at a whopping 11 teaspoons of sugar a can, it is time I ditch the sweet tooth if I want to be serious about my weight loss. Drinking soft drink also leaves you feeling sluggish and therefore prevents you from pushing yourself to the limit during exercise, so it is a definite no-no!

Mmmm...bubbles.

Lastly, weights. I have a great little weight workout (courtesy of Ann, thanks love!), but lately I have been going to the gym, doing half an hour of cardio, and calling it a day. I don’t know where my lack of motivation came from, but it hit me like a tonne of bricks, and now it is time to give it the arse! So five days a week, I am going to hit up the weights! Feel those muscles burrrrn!

It is bedtime in the Egan household, so I best head off, especially considering I took a break from writing this to watch a youtube video then got all teary. I will post it here so everyone else can get teary too, it’s an x factor video of Emmanuel Kelly, a young man with an extraordinary story, and an amazing voice. I have had the pleasure of meeting him and his brother when I was at high school and they were young children, his mother Moira was a former pupil and used to come to the school to give motivational talks and such like. Very inspiring!

Goodnight world! xx